The Appendix Monologues

Anxiety is a lot like your appendix. It's not really good for anything, but it can cause a lot of trouble. If only chronic anxiety were as easy to remove as going under the knife!

Most of the time, we find our anxiety nothing more than a waste of time. Problems have a way of working themselves out. Many of my clients already know what it is they want to do to solve a problem; they just need a little push in that direction. Often times, when anxiety is very great, we seem to draw the conclusion that we simply can not cope. However, no matter how anxious we become, the anxiety that fosters in us will never be strong enough to stop the clock. The show does go on, whether you are ready or not.

When you find yourself in a position of feeling like you just can't "go on", just remind yourself that at that very moment you are, well, "going on". Right now, at this very moment, as you read this blog, your problems, worries, and fears are managing themselves. They are going on without you, and you are coping.

This isn't to say, however, that problems solve themselves. Rewriting the story of a difficult past, or developing new patterns of behavior for the future isn't easy. Just like anything else that's worth having, you have to work a bit to get it. However, it is important to understand that Nike got it wrong when they wrote the slogan, "Just do it". As a matter of fact, when anxiety it at it's worst, you don't have "to do" anything. Instead, "just be". Wait. Rest. Slow down. Give yourself permission to take a vacation from your problems, even if it is just a few short hours.

If you still have that useless appendix, well, it's probably not going anywhere. But you can do something about your anxiety. You can start by seeing your therapist. Life is way too short to allow anxious feelings to keep you from what the world has to offer.... even if exploring does leave an appendix scar or two.

Find out more about Mike at www.reachfamilytherapy.com Like my blog? Please comment and let me know... or better yet, follow me using the link at the right. It much more fun to blog when I know I have people who read it! Cheers!

You Say The Most By Not Saying Anything

No matter what the relationship, be it spouse, sibling, co-worker, or friend.... conflict will happen. Unfortunately, we often attempt to measure the health of our relationship by the amount of conflict that it has in it. However, since conflict is going to happen, measuring our relationship health by the level of conflict makes about as much sense as deciding how smart someone is by the color of his or her eyes. People are just going to fight sometimes. It happens.

So then, how does one measure relationship health? You see, it's not in how we fight, it's in how we make up. The repair. Just like that old clunker out in the driveway, if you can throw some duct tape on it and fill it was gas and it can still go, well, it might as well be good as new.

The time between conflict and repair is the dangerous time. That is the relationship twlight zone. You see, it is during this time that the relationship is most vulnerable, and the most damage can be done. Sometimes enough damage that even a full tank of gas and a roll of duct tape just isn't enough. Be careful during this time.

One of the most dangerous weapons people use in their relationships, one that sends the biggest message, is the silent treatment. We say the most by not saying anything.... and usually what we say isn't self-serving to get our relationship back on track. When conflict is happening, it is because we are in distress. When one member of a relationship sends a distress signal, and that distress signal is simply ignored by the other, it only fuels more distress. It is in many ways more hurtful than just spilling the beans about how one feels about the conflict at hand.

When people don't talk to each other, relationship expert John Gottman calls this "stonewalling". Renounced family therapist Murry Bowen calls this "emotional cut off". But no matter what it's called, it's generally not a good idea (unless of course, something toxic is involved, but that's just a whole other blog!).

So, when things aren't going well, talk about it. As long as one can manage his or her own reactivity, and stays true and honest to his or her feelings, it seems like it is always better to talk about what is going on. When we leave people the opportunity to guess what we are thinking, we have a better chance at winning the lottery than our partner guessing our feelings correctly. And I don't know about you, but I'm not interested in those odds determining the success of my relationships. When in doubt, talk it out.

Find out more about Mike at www.reachfamilytherapy.com

Don't Believe Everything You Think

Although cognitive-behavioral therapy is a well-respected and widely used model of therapy, it's not one of my favorites. However, there is something about it that I do like.... the idea that it doesn't seem to do any of us much good if we always believe everything that we think.

For those of us that have brains that work mostly off of intutition and feeling, and less off of logic and data, it is hard sometimes to break ourselves free from the cycle of always believing what we think.

There never really has been an answer to the age old question, "Which comes first, the chicken or the egg?". And just as this question leaves me perplexed, so does the idea of, "Which comes first, our thoughts or our feelings?". Regardless of the answer, we do know that our perceptions of interactions create our reality.... distorted or not. So, it seems to make sense, then, that finding new or different ways to create preceptions, just might breed new and creative ways to create reality. And as Martha Stewart says, that would be.... " a very good thing."




Find out more about Mike at www.reachfamilytherapy.com

What's in a Name?

So, I've been asked what the title of my blog really means.

From a little age, we have been taught we ought not to run with scissors. Why? Because it's risky. And although I do not suggest any of us run around with sharp objects anytime soon, I do suggest that sometimes it is important to learn to tolerate risk.

You see, if we live our lives too cautiously, we may never quite learn how a little bit of risk propels us into personal growth. At the same time, if we live our lives with too much risk, we find ourselves involved in unproductive, and destructive behavior.

Learning to find the balance between the two is the key. There are times in my Master's work when I thought I might never be able to actually make it as a therapist, but I find that by willing to take the risk, to run with the scissors so to speak, I'm here. And, I'm loving it.



Find out more about Mike at http://www.reachfamilytherapy.com/

Set in Your Ways? Teach An Old Dog, A New Trick.

It is easy to know when someone doesn't like you.
It is a trick to remember to like yourself, regardless.

It is easy to become angry too fast and too soon.
It is a trick to remember when to say you're sorry, and mean it.

It is easy to blame the other person when they do wrong.
It is a trick to know how to take responsibility for your part of the problem.

It is easy to feel slighted and offended when someone is rude.
It is a trick to remember that people have a lifetime of experiences to shape who they are.

It is easy to feel defeated when someone doesn't believe in you.
It is a trick to remember that you are the author to your own story.

Isn't it time to teach an old dog, a new trick?

Find out more about Mike at www.reachfamilytherapy.com