You Say The Most By Not Saying Anything

No matter what the relationship, be it spouse, sibling, co-worker, or friend.... conflict will happen. Unfortunately, we often attempt to measure the health of our relationship by the amount of conflict that it has in it. However, since conflict is going to happen, measuring our relationship health by the level of conflict makes about as much sense as deciding how smart someone is by the color of his or her eyes. People are just going to fight sometimes. It happens.

So then, how does one measure relationship health? You see, it's not in how we fight, it's in how we make up. The repair. Just like that old clunker out in the driveway, if you can throw some duct tape on it and fill it was gas and it can still go, well, it might as well be good as new.

The time between conflict and repair is the dangerous time. That is the relationship twlight zone. You see, it is during this time that the relationship is most vulnerable, and the most damage can be done. Sometimes enough damage that even a full tank of gas and a roll of duct tape just isn't enough. Be careful during this time.

One of the most dangerous weapons people use in their relationships, one that sends the biggest message, is the silent treatment. We say the most by not saying anything.... and usually what we say isn't self-serving to get our relationship back on track. When conflict is happening, it is because we are in distress. When one member of a relationship sends a distress signal, and that distress signal is simply ignored by the other, it only fuels more distress. It is in many ways more hurtful than just spilling the beans about how one feels about the conflict at hand.

When people don't talk to each other, relationship expert John Gottman calls this "stonewalling". Renounced family therapist Murry Bowen calls this "emotional cut off". But no matter what it's called, it's generally not a good idea (unless of course, something toxic is involved, but that's just a whole other blog!).

So, when things aren't going well, talk about it. As long as one can manage his or her own reactivity, and stays true and honest to his or her feelings, it seems like it is always better to talk about what is going on. When we leave people the opportunity to guess what we are thinking, we have a better chance at winning the lottery than our partner guessing our feelings correctly. And I don't know about you, but I'm not interested in those odds determining the success of my relationships. When in doubt, talk it out.

Find out more about Mike at www.reachfamilytherapy.com